Church Bulletin Bloopers

I'm not a very talkative person by nature. This does show through in the staleness of my blog. To get a little newness back in here I'm posting this list of church bulletin bloopers that floats around the email world. Some very good giggles in this list.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  
  
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
  
  
• The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
  
  
• Evening massage - 6 p.m.
  
  
• The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
  
  
• The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
  
  
• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
  
  
• Ushers will eat latecomers.
  
  
• The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
  
  
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  
  
• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
  
  
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
  
  
• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
  
  
• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
  
  
• Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
  
  
• Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
  
  
• The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
  
  
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  
  
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  
  
• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
  
  
• 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
  
  
• A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
  
  
• Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
  
  
• Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
  
  
• On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
  
  
• Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
  
  
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
  
  
• The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
  
  
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary...
  
  
• 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  
  
• The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  
  
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
  
  
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  
  
• Announcement from the Pulpit by the Associate Pastor:
  "Please keep a close watch on your children as they play outside. Several snakes have been seen around the edge of the woods... " (then without skipping a beat) "Our Easter egg hunt is this Saturday here at the church...!"